What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?

He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.

All the time i was locked up.

We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.

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My family never makes their pension either.

But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).

I write beautiful poetry .

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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.

Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)

She was a women, a mother with her own children!.

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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .

Why did i forgive my father ?

Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.

Why do almost all vertebrates have tails, but not apes and frogs?

I don,t even have a pension.

They are buried together, in the same grave..

I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers

Are Turks ashamed of their Islamic heritage?

She married twice! .

Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.

And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!

Is there a specific time frame for therapists to tell their clients they are wrong?

They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?

Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.

So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.

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But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!

Where the ultimate outsiders.

5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.

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This is how, and why children get BPD.

She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.

BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.

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I have no regrets .

Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.

I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor

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I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.

But it wasn’t much.

That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.

I of course replied” arh beautiful!

Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?

I was scared of men, in general

Ive learnt so much.

The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..

I will be 64.

He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!

He was dying to do it , i knew.

The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,

Im still living with it.

With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.

My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.

Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.

I was 9 years of age.

She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!

Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.

I had hoped to write a book about this .

He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!

He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.

We all went to grammer schools

My life is so biszare .

I waited trembling.

This is soul school!.

I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .

Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.

I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!

Thats was my nicest nick name for him

And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .

One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.

We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!

I was seconnd youngest,

I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.

Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!

My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.

When she asked me how she looked .

But ive been too sick for many years..

It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.

I suffer greatly, because of BPD..

Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other

But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !

But, we were locked up after school.

What did i know ?

My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.

He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!

I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.

His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!

The only rule us 5 kids had .

On the 31st of Jan this month .

She found it foreign!.

My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.

I know ,a lot about trauma.

I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.

As i do to all so called friends.?

19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.

And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!

Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.

I did it because my mum asked me too!

I was very sick at this time too.

We could never speak unless he spoke to us!

Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!

One cannot live in the past .

At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.

It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.

My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!

Comes on , in middle age.

I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.

I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.

Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.

And who doesn’t know suffering?

Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.

Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years

I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.

As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!

Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.

Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t

As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)

And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!

I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.

Im dying but, im not bitter.

But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!

Its mostly always from childhood abuse .

Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.

I think the readers, may guess!

I might have to go back 30 generations or more..

A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.

His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.

She loved him until the end.

I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.

You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .

As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!

But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!

Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.

The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!

Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!

For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)

But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.

Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..

Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.

Would this be the day?

He knew the spot.

She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!

My mum and dad in the seventies!

He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!

I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)

Was to survive, this bastard.

She wouldn,t have been !

I was writing from the time i was a small child.

We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..

It was going to be , some day.

I said to her

Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life

And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.

Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..

Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.

And, all my friends down the years ,where users.

But im an empath, and i help lots of people.

I never cut or harmed myself..

And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!

Who then, do I blame.?

So whats the point in blame.

One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)

We were not on the streets..

One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.

Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..

.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them

She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.

But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .

(And it was in our own minds.)

I couldn’t, believe it.

Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.

We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.

As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.

But im dying ,and its too late for me.

Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.

I could never make a relationship work though!

Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!

Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..

I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!

One cannot hold on to bitterness.

He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!

So, i spoilt her more .

She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!

He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.

You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.

Another so called friend had bit the dust..

When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!

My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .

Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.

Especially a lifetime of it.

And i lived it daily.

She was in good health!

As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.

He resisted the act ,that day.

And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)

Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.

I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.

I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.

Put me off passion for life!!

But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,

Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!

So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.

Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.

She died at 55 of colon cancer.

Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.

I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.

The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.

He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.